Exclusive 007: Clear out a Cell, Folks

Anyone who knows Mister Daniel Helsby will know that he has quite the temper on him. Seems that his temper has finally landed him in a spot of trouble. Yours truly was lucky enough to see Mister Helsby swinging a skateboard into the face of another person on the streets of quiet little Cambridge town. Naturally, the police were called and Dan was escorted off in handcuffs. We all know you like those power games, but this is really ridiculous. The fate of Dan is yet unknown, but I fear he may get quite a hefty jail sentence, what with the assault and the possession of a great amount of drugs on him. Poor Dan, although he's not the only victim. I wonder how his baby momma will deal with this.

That's right, folks. Daniel Helsby is an expectant father. He was seen shopping in the Grafton looking for children toys of all sorts, accompanied by a younger female, who I believe is named Peyton. You may be having your doubts, but is Dan really the type of guy to be acquainted with children of sorts? Well, besides the girls he sleeps with of course. Peyton hardly looked a day over fourteen. Maybe Dan will get an additional charge of statutory rape. I sure hope not. Cambridge would be too boring without him.